What should you be doing as a parent?

​It's easy in today's modern world to get lost in all of the things that we "should" be doing. Parenting is no different. I was surprised to learn that the magazine "Parenting" didn't exist before 1987. The pressures that are on today's parents are different than they ever were in the past. From technology to college resumes to kids' athletic endeavors, most modern parents are stretched incredibly thin. Yet clearly, there are also many things that are much better now for kids as a result of some of this.

What is perhaps most important to note in response to this question is that kids feel connected, seen, and loved not by parents who are knocking it out of the park based on whatever book they just read or podcast they just listened to, but by having a relationship with a parent who is real, attuned to them, and fallible. If (when!) you make a mistake as a parent, you have an opportunity to model not only what the appropriate response is to making a mistake, but also to potentially allow for a moment of profound connection with your child. Disconnection happens when you present yourself as some sort of champion parent who makes zero mistakes and hands down rules and judgment from on high. No child, and certainly no human being, can relate to that. You are as distant from your child as the ancient Greeks believed they were from the Gods on Mount Olympus. Check your ego at the door, get down on their level, and apologize.

While it is important for parents not to judge themselves too harshly and try to be aware of potentially getting caught up in the modern hysteria of idyllic parenting, it's also important to note that this does not absolve you from trying to do your best. Which begs the question, how can you balance doing your best without doing too much? The short answer is this: if you feel you have energy that you want to put into being a parent, spend it first on yourself. Regulated adults raise regulated children. When caregivers model self-awareness, self-compassion, and healthy coping, children learn these skills implicitly.